OK ... First let me say that I totally understand that each person in this world has their own level of problems in which they see as serious and can or can not handle. I fully understand that just because I see something as a big deal doesn't mean that it truly is, or that a friends issues are insignificant when come compared to mine. I do sincerely get this.
Now with that stated I do need to vent some of my frustrations in order to avoid murdering anyone. Right now my life sucks, and my bipolar self am having all I can do to keep moving. I hate every aspect of my life, and really wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make me disappear.
I right now am being very self center and am having a "its all about me and my shitty life" moment. I want to be left alone (so that I don't offend or get offended). I don't want to do more than I have to do. I just want to get through each day and then drop on my couch and either cry myself to sleep or stare at my ceiling for hours. I don't want any one near me. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...... I can't have that.
NOPE, I always have to have someone who has to come into my world and play the "my life sucks more than your life" game. You know what even if your life does suck more why does it have to be a fucking pissing contest. OK, you have more bills than I do, god for you ...but at least you got job to pay for those bills. Or yeah you might have alot of work to do ......but I do my work with two children running around me. Or you might drive me and my children everywhere ..... but you get to walk into my home like you fucking own it, eat my food, yell at my kids, and on top of that you get to live, so life is not so bad for you. See ......Why does everything always seem to come down to a pissing contest ... its either who is better than who, or whose life sucks more. REALLY.... are you that obsess with me and my life that you are not happy now if I suck more than you. (FYI ... this is not just one person either, there are a few people this refers too)
I am to the point where I want to smack someone. I hate when someone tells me I have no reason to be miserable and they are tired of hearing me and than they have the balls to complain about something stupid in their life... like having their cable go out for an hour due to cable company error. Yeah that is so much more of a serious issue when compared to the hole in my ceiling. And if you hate seeing and hearing me be all depressed and angry than maybe you should just stay the fuck away from me!!! Maybe I am extremely overly emotional right now, but I truly want to take this crazy bipolar ass of mine across the room and murder people. If the people in my world insist on being jerks, why cant they just stay away and leave me alone.
OK my rant is done .... feel better now ... bipolar moment over ;)
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 4)
63 DAYS
It’s been another 22 days, and a grand total of 63 days.
Well 10 days ago I did break down and buy a pack of cigarettes, I felt some guilt but I did smoke it. It took me three days to go through the pack, which amazed me, since I use to smoke a pack and a half in a day.
On Saturday I broke down yet again and hit my neighbor up for a cigarette. I was having a really bad day emotionally, plus was stressing over my homework load. I by no means am saying this is a valid excuse, because I know it is not. However, it is the reason as to why I broke down and gave in. I find that on extremely stressful days (especially if it is mentally and emotionally stressful) I have a hard time fighting my urge. This is where I need to sit down and start to focus. This is the hurdle I need to overcome right now. How do I deal with my stress without breaking down and smoking? I have yet to develop an answer, but am trying to figure it out.
The good thing, in a weird way, is that I actually felt sick as I was smoking that last cigarette. By the time I finished it, I was light headed and truly felt as if I was ready to throw up. The addict in me does not like to throw up, so I think if I can keep that moment in my head the next time I feel an urge to go and bum a cigarette, it should be enough to deter me. Let's hope it is and does.
It’s been another 22 days, and a grand total of 63 days.
Well 10 days ago I did break down and buy a pack of cigarettes, I felt some guilt but I did smoke it. It took me three days to go through the pack, which amazed me, since I use to smoke a pack and a half in a day.
On Saturday I broke down yet again and hit my neighbor up for a cigarette. I was having a really bad day emotionally, plus was stressing over my homework load. I by no means am saying this is a valid excuse, because I know it is not. However, it is the reason as to why I broke down and gave in. I find that on extremely stressful days (especially if it is mentally and emotionally stressful) I have a hard time fighting my urge. This is where I need to sit down and start to focus. This is the hurdle I need to overcome right now. How do I deal with my stress without breaking down and smoking? I have yet to develop an answer, but am trying to figure it out.
The good thing, in a weird way, is that I actually felt sick as I was smoking that last cigarette. By the time I finished it, I was light headed and truly felt as if I was ready to throw up. The addict in me does not like to throw up, so I think if I can keep that moment in my head the next time I feel an urge to go and bum a cigarette, it should be enough to deter me. Let's hope it is and does.
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