Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 3)

41 Days Later
 

First let me say:

 
"The power that is in me is greater than the power in my addiction; my addiction will not keep me from my destiny, because I WILL defeat it!"
 

This is what I need to tell myself every day, not just for my nicotine addiction but for all of my addictions. I need to have faith in myself and my strength, and know I will overcome anything if I do not give up. I have a habit of being human and making mistakes. I fall to temptation and then punish myself by telling myself that I am a failure and I cannot succeed, therefore I don’t.

This self defeating attitude is what gives addiction the power it has over us. Since I quit smoking I have had two slips, however they were just only one cigarette each time and the last time the cigarette tasted nasty, therefore I did not enjoy it. Instead of putting myself down, for giving into temptation and being weak for a brief moment, I focused on the fact that I now did not enjoy the taste of that last cigarette and that I did not feel as if I was missing anything.  

Your words have incredible power. In fact, when you change your words, you change your life. Negative words, bring negative things ... loving and hopeful words will bring positive things ... words of faith bring God into your heart, soul and life. I decided to use positive words instead of negative. Therefore I will no longer be saying "I can’t" and changing it to "I can". I will think, speak, and act positive in order to not overcome my addiction but to have a positive life.  

Now with all that said, let me tell you how I came to this revolution of thinking positive. This last week my urges to smoke have seemed to really increase compared to other weeks. Every day, every hour, every minute this week, I have had cigarettes on my mind. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know how to stop these thoughts. It was driving me crazy. I had all I could do, not to break and buy a pack of cigarettes. Then I was talking to a friend and he offered me a cigarette and asked if I was still smoking ... I lied and said yes and took that cigarette (this being the one that tasted nasty). I felt guilty and ashamed. Not only did I lie, but I lied for my addiction.

Well, I sat at home later that night and watched Joel Osteen. I watch him and realized I was not bad for making this mistake and that I had the power in me to pick up and beat my addiction. I started to think as to why this week seemed so much harder than the previous 6 weeks, and I discovered the answer and now have my solution.  This is my first week back to school. Classes are starting off very intense and my anxiety levels are at an all time high. I don’t have my prescriptions, and I use to smoke to replace the medication. Now I have neither and I was having a hard time facing my anxiety. Having this revelation will allow me to address not only my anxiety, but the urge to give in to my addiction as well.  I am feeling strong, powerful and positive. This journey maybe far from over, but I am learning every step of the way, and I know I see the end of this path way soon. ;)

Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 2)

The First Three Weeks


Well let me start by saying that I have never felt more insane than I did two weeks ago. To have so many stresses in my life going on at the same exact time I am trying not to smoke was just crazy. My mother had a heart attack after having a basic gall bladder surgery. My phone wont stop ringing because bill collectors have to call all day long, every day, reminding me just how much my life sucks financially. Feeling stress because I haven't even started school clothes shopping for my boys yet, and I truly have no idea how I am coming up with the money to even start, let alone finish it.  Then had some baby daddy drama on top of it. So even though these things are not the worst life crisis (except for my mothers heart attack, that floored me), not being on my anti-depressants and now detoxing my body from the nicotine just seemed to be bad timing.

So you probably wondering how I got through the last three weeks. Well I will share: I slept a lot. I do mean a lot. I took 3 to 4 hour naps during the day, and then I would sleep 6 to 10 hours at night. So half my day was spent sleeping. If I wasn't sleeping then I was snacking. I tried having Twizzlers in the house but I ate them to quickly and got sick from over eating.  I tried pieces of fruit but that caused bathroom issues. I tried chewing on a pen, but had one explode in my mouth. I spent a lot of time snapping at my kids, bill collectors and avoiding the world. I been cleaning a lot. My walls have never been cleaner..lol.  A few of my FB friends are quitting too, so we encourage each other. I have been receiving a lot of support from my family and friends, and that has help greatly and I am truly grateful.

I will say that each day does get easier, just like everyone  has told me it would. The cravings are limited to just a few certain activities (drinking coffee, after meals, sitting by the bonfire. etc). Don't get me wrong, there are still days that the cravings are extremely intense and I could kill the world for just one drag, however I know this feeling is going to pass and I have been able to tough it out. I am still trying to find that one thing I can do that will replace the cravings all together with out becoming another negative addiction, because obviously I have an addictive personality and need to proceed with caution.

The Journey To Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 1)

So in the next 20 days it will be my thirty sixth birthday. I have decided that I wanted to be 100% nicotine free by my birthday, so 21 days ago I decided to quit smoking. Now for me to make it 21 days is extremely impressive. When I have tried to quit in the past I have never seemed to make it pass 3 or 4 days. So even though I was not fully on board when I started 21 days ago, I am still amazed at how this dangerous love affair seems to be coming to an end.

How the Love Affair Began


I was fifteen and my best friend offered me one. Where most kids had to beg others to buy their cigarettes, or steal them, my BFF was allowed to smoke and her mother bought them for her.  So when ever I hung out with my BFF I would smoke her cigarettes.  Her mom would even take money from me and get a few packs if I asked.  I thought she was the coolest mom ever .(Keep in mind this was coming from my fifteen yr old mind). We smoked Marlboro Light 100's.

I remember when my mother found that first pack  of cigarettes in my room. I tried to lie and say they were my BFF's pack and that I was just holding them, however a quick phone call to my BFF's house proved I lied.  So my mother and I had this epic battle about smoking.  She went out and bought a couple packs of Camel Non-Filter cigarettes and told me I needed to finish the packs within an hour or she would go by more. Now at first I thought with my mom being a non-smoker I could pull one over on her and not inhale, however my mother was on to me and insisted I inhale. My mother achieved her desired result and I got sick. So sick that I threw up all over the family's dinner that night. Now being that stubborn and rebelliousness child that I was; I did not allow one night of getting sick to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I made excuses and said it was only because they were nasty non-filter cigarettes and because I smoked like 40 in an hour. So I continued to smoke.

When I became pregnant for both my sons I tried to quit but when I started to stress out due to my pregnancy hormones and lack of anti-depressants, I decided smoking was better than stroking out and loosing my mind because of stress, depression, hormones and craziness. I did feel guilty but addicts have a way of convincing themselves to continue bad behavior and forget the quilt. As an addict I was able to turn a blind eye to my doctors, health concerns, family concerns, etc.

Being in this love affair with cigarettes is like being in any other abusive love affair out there. An addict will deny that the relationship is evil and will hide the dangers from others and even convince themselves they can not live with out this torrid love affair. This is what I have done for the last twenty one years.

Now I will admit I never truly wanted to quit, not even this time. What has made me finally confront my demons is the fact that financially I no longer can afford to be a smoker. I am still a single mom support two school age children on only the child support I receive, while I put myself through college. So truly there is no money to waste on my addictions. My children deserve to have our monthly bills paid and their needs met, as a mother I have to put them first. So now the journey to the end of this love affair has begun ... ugh the agony!