So in the next 20 days it will be my thirty sixth birthday. I have decided that I wanted to be 100% nicotine free by my birthday, so 21 days ago I decided to quit smoking. Now for me to make it 21 days is extremely impressive. When I have tried to quit in the past I have never seemed to make it pass 3 or 4 days. So even though I was not fully on board when I started 21 days ago, I am still amazed at how this dangerous love affair seems to be coming to an end.
How the Love Affair Began
I was fifteen and my best friend offered me one. Where most kids had to beg others to buy their cigarettes, or steal them, my BFF was allowed to smoke and her mother bought them for her. So when ever I hung out with my BFF I would smoke her cigarettes. Her mom would even take money from me and get a few packs if I asked. I thought she was the coolest mom ever .(Keep in mind this was coming from my fifteen yr old mind). We smoked Marlboro Light 100's.
I remember when my mother found that first pack of cigarettes in my room. I tried to lie and say they were my BFF's pack and that I was just holding them, however a quick phone call to my BFF's house proved I lied. So my mother and I had this epic battle about smoking. She went out and bought a couple packs of Camel Non-Filter cigarettes and told me I needed to finish the packs within an hour or she would go by more. Now at first I thought with my mom being a non-smoker I could pull one over on her and not inhale, however my mother was on to me and insisted I inhale. My mother achieved her desired result and I got sick. So sick that I threw up all over the family's dinner that night. Now being that stubborn and rebelliousness child that I was; I did not allow one night of getting sick to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I made excuses and said it was only because they were nasty non-filter cigarettes and because I smoked like 40 in an hour. So I continued to smoke.
When I became pregnant for both my sons I tried to quit but when I started to stress out due to my pregnancy hormones and lack of anti-depressants, I decided smoking was better than stroking out and loosing my mind because of stress, depression, hormones and craziness. I did feel guilty but addicts have a way of convincing themselves to continue bad behavior and forget the quilt. As an addict I was able to turn a blind eye to my doctors, health concerns, family concerns, etc.
Being in this love affair with cigarettes is like being in any other abusive love affair out there. An addict will deny that the relationship is evil and will hide the dangers from others and even convince themselves they can not live with out this torrid love affair. This is what I have done for the last twenty one years.
Now I will admit I never truly wanted to quit, not even this time. What has made me finally confront my demons is the fact that financially I no longer can afford to be a smoker. I am still a single mom support two school age children on only the child support I receive, while I put myself through college. So truly there is no money to waste on my addictions. My children deserve to have our monthly bills paid and their needs met, as a mother I have to put them first. So now the journey to the end of this love affair has begun ... ugh the agony!
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