Having a case of the Fuck It All's

Right now in my life my stress and anxiety levels are at an all time high. I feel like my glass is half empty and the other half is filled with nothing more than piss and shit; and it just continues to fill my glass and soon my glass will be over flowing with piss and shit. It usually happens this time of year with midterms coming to an end, kid’s birthday back to back, final exams and Christmas right around the corner. Let’s not forget that I have to fit my every day shit in here too, (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc.) For the next two months I will continue to be sleep deprived, over stimulated, and extremely hypersensitive. My plate is full and the more I consume, the more "do this" gets shoved onto my fork. I know, its part of the job as a parent and full time student, and that there are rewards for doing this in the end, however it still doesn't change the experience. I'm incredibly fragile and ready to scream, cry and drop.

As I am trying to swallow my glass of piss and shit I have to listen to others in my life complain about how little things like bad hair, tight jeans, and bad days shopping at the mall has stressed them out (seriously wondering when I became friends with such shallow people). Then there are the others who avoid their work and complain how hard they are working and don’t understand why they aren’t succeeding. Umm Hello …in order to succeed you must actually put forth some real effort, not sit and play on Face Book all day. Friends complain they are tired because they sat up all night and partied, while I am tired because I just spent 8 hours writing a paper, after spending 6 hours reading professional journal articles, just trying to find one I can use for my paper, all while I am being a mom and helping my children with their homework. At this point I cannot process other people’s complaints in regards to relevancy of being a valid complaint. I am finding I need to cut myself off from everyone in order to avoid going postal. Yes I have visions of actually going to certain people’s homes and letting loose, grant you it would all be in the form of a verbal tongue lashing, but the release would feel as if I let loose with an AK-47.

Sadly, I cannot and will not ever do this. I understand that this is not anyone else’s issue, that it is me with the actual problem. I am the one who has piled everything so high on my plate and haven’t left anything positive to fill my glass right now. I am the one who has decided to set the goals in my life. However it doesn’t change the fact that right now, I immensely hate everything and everyone. At this very moment I want that magic pill FUCKITOL. I just want to walk away and say fuck it all. I am lucky in the fact that all these wonderful people I just bashed love me and won’t allow me to throw it all away. They will continue to lend me the support and encouragement I need to see this through. It just shows that they are better than me and that right now I am a real asshole. Thank God I am lucky and in my life I do have people who truly love me in spite of me being such an ass. I so do not deserve them.

A Bipolar Day

OK ... First let me say that I totally understand that each person in this world has their own level of problems in which they see as serious and can or can not handle. I fully understand that just because I see something as a big deal doesn't mean that it truly is, or that a friends issues are insignificant when come compared to mine. I do sincerely get this. 


Now with that stated I do need to vent some of my frustrations in order to avoid murdering anyone. Right now my life sucks, and my bipolar self am having all I can do to keep moving. I hate every aspect of my life, and really wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make me disappear.

 I right now am being very self center and am having a "its all about me and my shitty life" moment. I want to be left alone (so that I don't offend or get offended). I don't want to do more than I have to do. I just want to get through each day and then drop on my couch and either cry myself to sleep or stare at my ceiling for hours. I don't want any one near me. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ...... I can't have that.


NOPE, I always have to have someone who has to come into my world and play the "my life sucks more than your life" game. You know what even if your life does suck more why does it have to be a fucking pissing contest. OK, you have more bills than I do, god for you ...but at least you got  job to pay for those bills. Or yeah you might have alot of work to do ......but I do my work with two children running around me. Or  you might drive me and my children everywhere ..... but you get to walk into my home like you fucking own it, eat my food, yell at my kids, and on top of that you get to live, so life is not so bad for you.  See ......Why does everything always seem to come down to a pissing contest ... its either who is better than who, or whose life sucks more. REALLY.... are you that obsess with me and my life that you are not happy now if I suck more than you. (FYI ... this is not just one person either, there are a few people this refers too)


I am to the point where I want to smack someone.  I hate when someone tells me I have no reason to be miserable and they are tired of hearing me and than they have the balls to complain about something stupid in their life... like having  their cable go out for an hour due to cable company error. Yeah that is so much more of a serious issue when compared to the hole in my ceiling. And if you hate seeing and hearing me be all depressed and angry than maybe you should just stay the fuck away from me!!!  Maybe I am extremely overly emotional right now, but I truly want to take this crazy bipolar ass of mine across the room and murder people. If the people in my world insist on being jerks, why cant they just stay away and leave me alone.  


OK my rant is done .... feel better now ... bipolar moment over ;)

Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 4)

63 DAYS


It’s been another 22 days, and a grand total of 63 days.

Well 10 days ago I did break down and buy a pack of cigarettes, I felt some guilt but I did smoke it. It took me three days to go through the pack, which amazed me, since I use to smoke a pack and a half in a day.

On Saturday I broke down yet again and hit my neighbor up for a cigarette. I was having a really bad day emotionally, plus was stressing over my homework load. I by no means am saying this is a valid excuse, because I know it is not. However, it is the reason as to why I broke down and gave in. I find that on extremely stressful  days (especially if it is mentally and emotionally stressful) I have a hard time fighting my urge. This is where I need to sit down and start to focus. This is the hurdle I need to overcome right now. How do I deal with my stress without breaking down and smoking? I have yet to develop an answer, but am trying to figure it out.

The good thing, in a weird way, is that I actually felt sick as I was smoking that last cigarette. By the time I finished it, I was light headed and truly felt as if I was ready to throw up. The addict in me does not like to throw up, so I think if I can keep that moment in my head the next time I feel an urge to  go and bum a cigarette, it should be enough to deter me. Let's hope it is and does.

Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 3)

41 Days Later
 

First let me say:

 
"The power that is in me is greater than the power in my addiction; my addiction will not keep me from my destiny, because I WILL defeat it!"
 

This is what I need to tell myself every day, not just for my nicotine addiction but for all of my addictions. I need to have faith in myself and my strength, and know I will overcome anything if I do not give up. I have a habit of being human and making mistakes. I fall to temptation and then punish myself by telling myself that I am a failure and I cannot succeed, therefore I don’t.

This self defeating attitude is what gives addiction the power it has over us. Since I quit smoking I have had two slips, however they were just only one cigarette each time and the last time the cigarette tasted nasty, therefore I did not enjoy it. Instead of putting myself down, for giving into temptation and being weak for a brief moment, I focused on the fact that I now did not enjoy the taste of that last cigarette and that I did not feel as if I was missing anything.  

Your words have incredible power. In fact, when you change your words, you change your life. Negative words, bring negative things ... loving and hopeful words will bring positive things ... words of faith bring God into your heart, soul and life. I decided to use positive words instead of negative. Therefore I will no longer be saying "I can’t" and changing it to "I can". I will think, speak, and act positive in order to not overcome my addiction but to have a positive life.  

Now with all that said, let me tell you how I came to this revolution of thinking positive. This last week my urges to smoke have seemed to really increase compared to other weeks. Every day, every hour, every minute this week, I have had cigarettes on my mind. I didn’t know why, and I didn’t know how to stop these thoughts. It was driving me crazy. I had all I could do, not to break and buy a pack of cigarettes. Then I was talking to a friend and he offered me a cigarette and asked if I was still smoking ... I lied and said yes and took that cigarette (this being the one that tasted nasty). I felt guilty and ashamed. Not only did I lie, but I lied for my addiction.

Well, I sat at home later that night and watched Joel Osteen. I watch him and realized I was not bad for making this mistake and that I had the power in me to pick up and beat my addiction. I started to think as to why this week seemed so much harder than the previous 6 weeks, and I discovered the answer and now have my solution.  This is my first week back to school. Classes are starting off very intense and my anxiety levels are at an all time high. I don’t have my prescriptions, and I use to smoke to replace the medication. Now I have neither and I was having a hard time facing my anxiety. Having this revelation will allow me to address not only my anxiety, but the urge to give in to my addiction as well.  I am feeling strong, powerful and positive. This journey maybe far from over, but I am learning every step of the way, and I know I see the end of this path way soon. ;)

Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 2)

The First Three Weeks


Well let me start by saying that I have never felt more insane than I did two weeks ago. To have so many stresses in my life going on at the same exact time I am trying not to smoke was just crazy. My mother had a heart attack after having a basic gall bladder surgery. My phone wont stop ringing because bill collectors have to call all day long, every day, reminding me just how much my life sucks financially. Feeling stress because I haven't even started school clothes shopping for my boys yet, and I truly have no idea how I am coming up with the money to even start, let alone finish it.  Then had some baby daddy drama on top of it. So even though these things are not the worst life crisis (except for my mothers heart attack, that floored me), not being on my anti-depressants and now detoxing my body from the nicotine just seemed to be bad timing.

So you probably wondering how I got through the last three weeks. Well I will share: I slept a lot. I do mean a lot. I took 3 to 4 hour naps during the day, and then I would sleep 6 to 10 hours at night. So half my day was spent sleeping. If I wasn't sleeping then I was snacking. I tried having Twizzlers in the house but I ate them to quickly and got sick from over eating.  I tried pieces of fruit but that caused bathroom issues. I tried chewing on a pen, but had one explode in my mouth. I spent a lot of time snapping at my kids, bill collectors and avoiding the world. I been cleaning a lot. My walls have never been cleaner..lol.  A few of my FB friends are quitting too, so we encourage each other. I have been receiving a lot of support from my family and friends, and that has help greatly and I am truly grateful.

I will say that each day does get easier, just like everyone  has told me it would. The cravings are limited to just a few certain activities (drinking coffee, after meals, sitting by the bonfire. etc). Don't get me wrong, there are still days that the cravings are extremely intense and I could kill the world for just one drag, however I know this feeling is going to pass and I have been able to tough it out. I am still trying to find that one thing I can do that will replace the cravings all together with out becoming another negative addiction, because obviously I have an addictive personality and need to proceed with caution.

The Journey To Ending My Love Affair With Cigarettes (Part 1)

So in the next 20 days it will be my thirty sixth birthday. I have decided that I wanted to be 100% nicotine free by my birthday, so 21 days ago I decided to quit smoking. Now for me to make it 21 days is extremely impressive. When I have tried to quit in the past I have never seemed to make it pass 3 or 4 days. So even though I was not fully on board when I started 21 days ago, I am still amazed at how this dangerous love affair seems to be coming to an end.

How the Love Affair Began


I was fifteen and my best friend offered me one. Where most kids had to beg others to buy their cigarettes, or steal them, my BFF was allowed to smoke and her mother bought them for her.  So when ever I hung out with my BFF I would smoke her cigarettes.  Her mom would even take money from me and get a few packs if I asked.  I thought she was the coolest mom ever .(Keep in mind this was coming from my fifteen yr old mind). We smoked Marlboro Light 100's.

I remember when my mother found that first pack  of cigarettes in my room. I tried to lie and say they were my BFF's pack and that I was just holding them, however a quick phone call to my BFF's house proved I lied.  So my mother and I had this epic battle about smoking.  She went out and bought a couple packs of Camel Non-Filter cigarettes and told me I needed to finish the packs within an hour or she would go by more. Now at first I thought with my mom being a non-smoker I could pull one over on her and not inhale, however my mother was on to me and insisted I inhale. My mother achieved her desired result and I got sick. So sick that I threw up all over the family's dinner that night. Now being that stubborn and rebelliousness child that I was; I did not allow one night of getting sick to stop me from doing what I wanted to do. I made excuses and said it was only because they were nasty non-filter cigarettes and because I smoked like 40 in an hour. So I continued to smoke.

When I became pregnant for both my sons I tried to quit but when I started to stress out due to my pregnancy hormones and lack of anti-depressants, I decided smoking was better than stroking out and loosing my mind because of stress, depression, hormones and craziness. I did feel guilty but addicts have a way of convincing themselves to continue bad behavior and forget the quilt. As an addict I was able to turn a blind eye to my doctors, health concerns, family concerns, etc.

Being in this love affair with cigarettes is like being in any other abusive love affair out there. An addict will deny that the relationship is evil and will hide the dangers from others and even convince themselves they can not live with out this torrid love affair. This is what I have done for the last twenty one years.

Now I will admit I never truly wanted to quit, not even this time. What has made me finally confront my demons is the fact that financially I no longer can afford to be a smoker. I am still a single mom support two school age children on only the child support I receive, while I put myself through college. So truly there is no money to waste on my addictions. My children deserve to have our monthly bills paid and their needs met, as a mother I have to put them first. So now the journey to the end of this love affair has begun ... ugh the agony!

A Few More of My Pet Peeves

So as usual, my mouth has seemed to have offended others and I am being ignored because of it. Little does it seem to matter that I was offended first and was just expressing my feelings about being offended. God forbid someone stands up and voices their opinions back... "feel free to be offended but dont you dare express your opinion back"... that is exactly what is going on here...

First let me state that I do believe everyone has a right to express themselves in regards to their thoughts and feelings, but one must do so in a way that does not come off hateful or targeting any one person or group. Making comments in regards to general behaviors of any one group is condoning hate, stereotyping and discrimination and that I will never tolerate. However, if someone tells me they are a "G.W. Bush" lover (for example purposes only..lol), I might disagree with why such feelings exist in the first place (lol), but I ultimately agree that is your opinion. I can have an adult debate with out spreading hate, stereotyping Bush lovers and discrimination... I just wish more adults could.

So with all that out of the way, let me just vent over a debate that I got offended by and then offended others. I have a "friend" who was expressing her frustration over not being able to get enough state aid to attend college next semester due to the fact she is making to much for her family of three even with her husband getting laid off in Aug. She was told to not do any over time at work, or to cut her hours, or have more children (since currently it is just her and her husband and the one child) if she wanted to qualify for such assistance. She was appalled that such a thing was even suggested.  However, I am sure it was not the workers intent to encourage such behaviors but her way of explaining how my "friend" doesn't qualify and what type of people do. Basically the message the worker was sending was that when there is a household of two adult capable of working and only one child they wont need assistance according to the governments standards of true poverty. Does it suck to work so hard and still not have a way to fund for the things you need, yes, however there are guidelines for a reason.

I have seen and felt the "catch 22" guidelines in place by our government myself, and know how hard it is to need extra help but not receive it. As a single mom, when I was working full time and making $15.00 an hr (at the same place my "friend" is currently employed at) and raising two kids on my own I know what it like trying to stretch my income to cover rent, car payments, insurance payments, daycare cost, co-pays, lights, heating fuel, food, etc. I did not have alot of extra money (if any extra at all) after I took care of my monthly bills, and there were many months where I was forced to try and make $100.00 a month cover my grocery needs, all because @ 15.00 an hour for a family of three (1 adult and 2 children) I did not qualify for any assistance. Did it suck yes, did I make it through it, yes....did I put down those who did qualify for the assistance I wish I could get to improve my life...no.

Anyways my "friend" had many people comment on her page in support of her frustration and many of them were just general non hateful support, however, there was one friend of hers who decided that anyone who was entitle to and receiving assistance were "jobless whores who are milking the system for assistance" (exact quote)... well as a person who has been affected by the crash of the economy and is currently receiving Food Stamps (only FS) to ensure my children can eat while I continue to go to college full time, working on earning two degrees, I took offense to this generalization of people who receive assistance.

Yes I know there are some people who play the system (and I did admit to that), however it truly bothers me when people take a few bad apples and then make generalizations and hateful comments towards a whole group of people. So I voiced this opinion and pointed out how some of these people she is grouping together in her hateful and offensive statement were like me. (Also, HELLO, your friend wants assistance but doesn't qualify and is complaining she should, so what does that make her??? Do I see my "friend" who is frustrated over being denied help as  a "jobless whores who are milking the system for assistance"..no, but apparently her other friend feels anyone who gets assistance is. Nice friend right..lol )

OK so after voicing my opinion on this girls comment to my friend, this girl who does not know anything about me other than what I posted (single mom, full time college student) decides to flip out on me for disagreeing with her grouping of a class of people together.  She decided to try to judge me even more and act like a high school-er and try to make personal attacks towards me. Does my "friend" defend me..nope ... does she ask her other friend to stop the drama... nope ... but that is OK because I am a big girl with a big mouth and I dont back down when I am passionate about hate and discrimination.

So I did feel bad that I started WWIII on my "friends" page. She posted on her FB page she was sorry her basic status about frustration lead to her offending others. So in an email to her, I let her know that she by no means was the offensive party, and that I have felt her frustration in my life before. Then again I apologized for being so sensitive to her friends comments, but explained how everyday I am faced with such closed mind comments by strangers towards me and others who get assistance. I wish people would learn to not pass judgement on a person whose shoes they have not walked in.

Now I am not saying that my views on this subject, or the fact that I took offense in it is 100% the correct view here. I am just expressing what went down and the thoughts that went through my head at the time. This all went down 12 days ago, and my "friend" has yet to respond to my email. She allowed her friend to continue to belittle me and left it there for all her other friends to see (that I was your typical jobless whore milking the government for assistance). Should I not be offended that someone I considered a "friend" could just ignore the fact that she had a friend personally attack me and she did nothing to intervene (not that I needed her to, but dont friends discourage other friends from offending, or belittling their other friends?) and the fact that I reached out to her and she hasn't responded back after 12 days.

I guess my ideas of what true friendship is not the same as others, or it just boils down to the fact she never saw me as a true friend ... and that is OK too, but she didn't have to act so fake about it if that is the case. I respect those who are honest enough to admit I annoy them, that I am only an acquaintance, or that they hate me all together, more than I respect those who act like we have a meaningful relationship when in fact we dont. Jesus we are adults and not in high school anymore. Its OK not to like someone on the same level just be honest about it.

So my issues are fake friends and those who act as if we are still in the age of the "Salem Witch Trials", and that it is OK to make generalizations on one group of people because they are different and a few bad apples bad behaviors. Closed minded stereotyping is a big pet peeve of mine.

Life of a Mom

As a mother we never stop to pay attention to the hints our bodies try to give us, we are always too concerned with our children, their needs and wants.  We forget that we need to take care of ourselves. The past week I have had to slow down and remember that I need to set some time aside for me and my health. 

Last Thursday started out like any other Thursday. I had classes at the college campus, the boys had Karate, we had a house that needed some cleaning and then out of the blue I started to feel very dizzy and faint.  However since it was in the evening I thought maybe I was just over tired or that my blood sugar dropped a little too low, so I had a glass of juice and went to bed. 

Friday I woke up and felt fine and never thought twice about the night before. So I just went about my normal Friday routine - shopping, cleaning, homework, entertaining the kids, etc. By the time dinner was done I started to feel very tired, and very light headed, so I decided to slow things down and cuddle on the couch with my boys to watch movies on Netflix.  That's whenever started to get worse. The slightest head movement sent my world spinning. I couldn't stand up without falling right back down. Every time I tried to walk down the hallway I would start to lean to m right and almost fall. Again thinking it was a blood sugar thing I decided to have a glass of juice, and yet again this made no difference. However I pushed my symptoms aside for the night until I got my boys to bed.

Once they were in bed I started to gain some concern when the symptoms weren't letting up but getting worse. Now it didn't matter if I was standing, sitting, moving my head or not, my world was nonstop spinning. This when I started to think about my weight. I am currently 324 lbs. I had lost 26 lbs over the last 4 or 5 months, however because I get swept up in my school work and caring for the boys, I have once again strayed from my focus of dieting and becoming active. So I became nervous that just maybe the lightheadedness was due to lack of blood flow to my brain (meaning blood clot or blockage somewhere). Now being the big girl that I am, this is a realistic thought and fear.

On Saturday I headed to Urgent Care to see what was wrong with me, and in hopes that my neglect and abuse of my body wasn't going to leave my children motherless. What I found out from the Doctor is that I have Labyrinthitis (an ear disorder that involves irritation and swelling of the inner ear)... basically it’s an ear infection due to my allergies, and it is causing my dizziness/lightheadedness. I need to take some Antihistamines, reduce my smoking, and keep still and rest when symptoms occur, avoid sudden position changes, etc, etc. The doctor said that my symptoms can last up to a month; however they will lessen with each passing day. This is very true; some days are better than others, however it is getting much better. So I am super excited I am not dying, however I see this as that reminder that I do need to keep my health as a priority.  

I am focusing on ensuring we keep eating healthier. Got lots of salad stuff and veggies to munch on, bought some low calorie yogurts and puddings for snacks, and stocked up on some chicken since that is a healthier choice of meat. I still haven't been able to get back into exercising yet, since I still have some lightheadedness, however I am hoping by this weekend I can start again. Meanwhile since I can’t workout I have decided to focus on some house cleaning. Again, can’t do too much since bending over still makes my world spin, however I can do a little at a time, and the boys have been helping me out (the best that a 9 and 10 year old can ..lol)

Now on top of all of this happening, Brendan got sent home from school with pink eye yesterday. I had some drops in the house, however as me and him were sitting here I could hear some wheezing and started to gain some concern. Like me, Brendan has horrible allergies and has been suffering even with taking some Antihistamines. I took him to see his doctor, and yes he had pink eye, along with an upper respiratory infection. The upper respiratory infection they said was caused from taking the Antihistamines for his allergies. They were suppressing the nasal congestion so much that it settled in his chest. So we got some eye drops for his pink eye, an antibiotic for the upper respiratory infection, and some albuterol inhaler to help with the wheezing.  Well the antibiotic made Brendan have diarrhea which prevented him from being able to partake in his Karate class. Then when got home from our running around (getting prescriptions filled, grocery shopping, Joshua's Karate class, etc) Brendan vomited. The antibiotics don't agree with his stomach :(  So Brendan had a rough night of sleep and feels worse today than he did when sent home from school yesterday.  My little man had to stay home from school today. 

Between me and Brendan getting issues from our allergies, Joshua has stepped up to take care of us and the house. Can I tell you how super proud I am of my little 9 year old man. Joshua has assisted me in making dinners, getting laundry done, taking out the garbage, putting groceries away and picking up the living room floor.  He hasn't complained once since he knows everyone else doesn't feel well. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful children, and this is why I need to ensure I take care of myself so that I can be there for them. So mom's let take time out for our selves to focus on our health needs ... we owe it to our families!!!    

Where has the time gone

I haven't sat down and written anything in months. I have been so busy with school and just trying to keep my sanity. I guess I have been doing a good job, I mean after all I and my children are still alive..lol.

So much has been going on these past few months. I passed my Fall semester with a GPA of 3.75 and an overall GPA of 3.24. This spring semester has been harder though. I am failing big time when it comes to my Biology class, but I am hanging in there..ugh, I hate this class. My Abnormal Psychology class is a little better I might pull a B. I did my first oral presentation ever today in my Adulthood and Aging class and got a 90 on it and found out I got an overall average of an A in that class for this semester. My last class Special Topics in substance abuse and treatment I should have an A in that when we are done. So as you can see school has kept me extremely busy. I have 3 class left this week, one next week, and then one final exam the week after that and then I am done with my spring semester. Then only 3 more semesters until I graduate, Can’t Wait!!!

Along with school I have been trying to be mommy of the year and do everything my kids need me to do. Attend school functions, help with their homework, get them to Karate classes, etc. I also have been trying to stay above water financially.  I had to save to purchase a new hot water heater, but finally I got it and this past Sunday I got it installed. Feels great to have hot water again..lol

My Aunt who I love dearly has been extremely ill, but is finally on the mend. There was a time there where we didn't know if she was going to make it. Then my BFF had the gastric bypass surgery and starting getting ill because she wasn't following her after-care instructions, and she had me worried there for a while. However, I think that finally we are over that hump.

Through all these up and downs,  I managed to start exercising and have lost 22 lbs. I am enjoying playing on my Wii, and doing the Wii Fit Plus, Just Dance 2, The Michael Jackson Experience, and Zumba games. My children bring out the competitive side of me, and we can spend hours upon hours playing these interactive games. And let me tell you, these games make you sweat, and are a true workout..lol. Now if I could just quit smoking, keep eating healthy and avoid those midnight snack cravings I might just be able to stay on track for once.

I am hoping once this semester is over in a few weeks, and I start my summer vacation, I will be able to spend more time writing, and share my weight lost journey.  I guess we shall see.