Right now in my life my stress and anxiety levels are at an all time high. I feel like my glass is half empty and the other half is filled with nothing more than piss and shit; and it just continues to fill my glass and soon my glass will be over flowing with piss and shit. It usually happens this time of year with midterms coming to an end, kid’s birthday back to back, final exams and Christmas right around the corner. Let’s not forget that I have to fit my every day shit in here too, (cooking, cleaning, paying bills, etc.) For the next two months I will continue to be sleep deprived, over stimulated, and extremely hypersensitive. My plate is full and the more I consume, the more "do this" gets shoved onto my fork. I know, its part of the job as a parent and full time student, and that there are rewards for doing this in the end, however it still doesn't change the experience. I'm incredibly fragile and ready to scream, cry and drop.
As I am trying to swallow my glass of piss and shit I have to listen to others in my life complain about how little things like bad hair, tight jeans, and bad days shopping at the mall has stressed them out (seriously wondering when I became friends with such shallow people). Then there are the others who avoid their work and complain how hard they are working and don’t understand why they aren’t succeeding. Umm Hello …in order to succeed you must actually put forth some real effort, not sit and play on Face Book all day. Friends complain they are tired because they sat up all night and partied, while I am tired because I just spent 8 hours writing a paper, after spending 6 hours reading professional journal articles, just trying to find one I can use for my paper, all while I am being a mom and helping my children with their homework. At this point I cannot process other people’s complaints in regards to relevancy of being a valid complaint. I am finding I need to cut myself off from everyone in order to avoid going postal. Yes I have visions of actually going to certain people’s homes and letting loose, grant you it would all be in the form of a verbal tongue lashing, but the release would feel as if I let loose with an AK-47.
Sadly, I cannot and will not ever do this. I understand that this is not anyone else’s issue, that it is me with the actual problem. I am the one who has piled everything so high on my plate and haven’t left anything positive to fill my glass right now. I am the one who has decided to set the goals in my life. However it doesn’t change the fact that right now, I immensely hate everything and everyone. At this very moment I want that magic pill FUCKITOL. I just want to walk away and say fuck it all. I am lucky in the fact that all these wonderful people I just bashed love me and won’t allow me to throw it all away. They will continue to lend me the support and encouragement I need to see this through. It just shows that they are better than me and that right now I am a real asshole. Thank God I am lucky and in my life I do have people who truly love me in spite of me being such an ass. I so do not deserve them.
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